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UPS Men

There have been several clues that my dog might possibly have gay tendencies–he likes to play dress up in my babydoll Halloween costumes, he prefers to chew on my Nine West heels rather than my Nikes, he loves Lady Gaga songs, he has only ever tried to hump male dogs, and now apparently, he has a thing for UPS men. After staying up studying late last night (translation: I’m addicted to Netflix and like to pretend I’m studying), I didn’t make it out of bed until noon. So, when the UPS man knocks on my door with possibly my 500th Amazon purchase of the month, I was definitely rockin’ the pj shorts and robe attire of my pre-coffee phase. Roscoe freaks out when the knock comes on the door, and after struggling with him for a couple minutes to keep him from running out the door, I finally get him wrangled and open the door. The UPS man makes me sign something because apparently he can’t tell I have my hands full of overly excited dog, so stupidly, I set the dog down and out the door he goes. I run for my snow boots, forgetting the fact that I’m missing more than just normal people clothing, I’m also not wearing a bra and have half the makeup on my face from the day before, but none of that mattered as I sprinted down the steps after my puppy. The UPS man had beaten me down the steps and was trying to catch my dog, who thinks it’s fun to get close to you and then run away just as you try to grab him. So, here we are, this crazy lady in her pj’s and a slightly overweight UPS man (I say slightly because he was trying to help me catch my dog.. I’m being nice) trying to catch this puppy that thinks that he’s winning the most awesome game of keep away ever. So we’re reaching and diving, and Roscoe’s weaving and dodging. Just when I think I’ve finally caught him, my right foot goes out from under me and I land hard on my back on the snow, the robe pops open, and Mr. UPS man gets a nice quick glance at the sisters. Awesome. I get them covered, and the nice, blushing man pretends not to have seen anything and squats down to help me up. Like this is some kind of cue, Roscoe immediately runs up behind him, sniffs his butt and tries to jump on his back. The UPS man says, “Whoa, looks like somebody’s a little too excited.” Keep in mind that I didn’t know what Roscoe had done, so I’m lying there thinking that this man is talking about himself after seeing my boob flash, so I’m all kinds of embarrassed/creeped out. I must have given him some kind of look because he started explaining about Roscoe. So there we are, mortified and cold. Roscoe had given up on the game and gone back inside, leaving me alone to apologize to the poor man and send him on his way to tell all of his buddies about being sexually harassed by a crazy lady and her dog….

So, I broke down and decided to get cable after having watched all of my TV via the internet for the past 6 months. In typical cable company fashion, they tell me that I have to sit around and wait from 12-4 on Monday for the man to show up. So, like a good little robot, I sit around and wait.. and wait.. and wait.. Around 3:15, my phone dies, which was slightly tragic because I was dominating Pac Man on my phone (Yes, I’m 13 at heart). What happened next is going to be unbelievable, but remember that this is my life I’m talking about, so just trust me. It happened.
I have an iPhone, and those of you that may have iPhones know that when your phone dies, it has to recharge for 5-10 minutes before you can turn it back on. Well, during that 7 minute time frame (I’m averaging), the cable guy apparently calls. He assumes that because his call goes to voicemail, I’m not home. Does he bother to knock on my door know? Did he ring the doorbell? Of course not, because that would require effort.  Instead, I get a voicemail from Charity at Comcast telling me that I have missed my appointment. Umm.. what?
So, I call the 800 number, and after 10 minutes of automated choices, I finally get to talk to a person only to be transferred to a busy signal. Awesome. So, I go through the whole routine again, and FINALLY get to reschedule my appointment, which means that I’ll be sitting around all afternoon tomorrow, waiting patiently for the cable guy to show up and charge me $30 to screw the digital box’s cables into the wall and my TV. The best part of it all? I was informed that if I miss my appointment again, I will be charged the installation fee…. Rock on.

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